What I was going to say at church today.

Brief Background
This is actually a very appropriate time for me to be speaking to you today. You see, Doug asked me to speak last year, and because I didn’t feel like I was ready I passed on the opportunity. But, now that I am in my final semester of college, I’m about to embark on the part of life that I have been working for close to 20 years on completing. Ironically the last time I was in front of my church congregation, the one previous to this, it was my last semester in high school and I was about to embark on, what I thought then, was going to be the most important time in my life. I was very different then. In fact I barely remember that Della.

I had grown up in the church and around middle school age I was given the option to join youth group. I remember going a couple of times, and it was fun, but I didn’t really get anything out of it, and I much rather stayed at home watching TV in those days. By my freshman year, I had, for the most part, stopped going to anything having to do with church and got involved in the typical “finding- yourself –high-school-angst.” It wasn’t until my sophomore or junior year that I went on a backpacking trip with some kids from church, found acceptance and started becoming very involved in the youth group. I was experiencing community for the first time and I loved it. I don’t remember what I learned during those few years, as far as theology and all that goes, but I knew I was a part of something big and important and something that could change people. That’s when I decided to study ministry at a liberal arts school in Kentucky.

My freshman year in college, away from home for the first time, forced to make decisions for myself, no one looking over my shoulder, proved to be a challenge. On Friday at RUF girl’s lunch I was telling some of the freshman girls some of the stupid things I did. It didn’t take to long to recognize that I wasn’t at all concerned about the reason I was actually there. In fact I was failing some of my religion courses, getting involved in some other really odd habits for Christian Ministry majors to get into. This was all while I was working as an assistant youth director at a local church. Aren’t you glad that God is gracious and I’ve gotten at least some of that out of my system.

So by the beginning of the spring semester, I had already been thinking about coming back to Norman, going to OU and moving in with a couple of girl friends that were also transferring back from Christian schools. I still remember the conversation I had with my brother Carter about deciding to go to OU. He supported me and also encouraged me by telling me that this new Christian Ministry was starting at OU in the fall and a guy that graduated from the seminary he went to would be heading it up. I don’t remember if I was excited at this point or just annoyed.

So I moved to Norman, moved into our new house, the B&B, and had my first meeting with Doug Serven. Tammy Molineaux was also there, I thought that they we married. Anyway, my roommates and I met the two of them at the Mont for lunch and talked about what we were looking for. We were all discouraged that college and our Christian walk weren’t turning out the way we had expected. We told Doug that we wanted to learn what the Bible had to say. Not necessarily cheesy life application junk that we had been hearing since middle school. We wanted to learn something, learn anything. He assured us that he could handle the challenge and that’s where it all started.


The First RUF

So I went to the first RUF ever at OU. This was an interesting experience. Doug was funny, as usual. He also attempted to be musical. It struck me strange that we were also meeting in his house after his wife had a wife earlier that day. Overall things went well. We sang songs I had never heard before, with really strange words that I had also never heard before. I sang along not thinking about it, as I was accustomed to for the most part. I liked it. It actually intrigued me because I thought everyone were hippies. This is when Sage Flower was doing music, Courtney was still Courtney Mason and a little stinky. I dug it.

Shortly there after, I went to my first RUF bible study at Tammy’s apartment. I remember being blown away. Courtney and Tammy and other women were talking about things I didn’t know women talked about. They were so intelligent, and eloquent, and passionate. I was truly amazed. This is when I knew I wanted to be a part of this.

From here on out I was “in”. I went to RUF regularly, even after roommates started doing other things and trying other ministries. I went to Bible study, and I eventually went to Christ the King. This is when we were meeting at CCS. I found myself intrigued by Mike Biggs’s lengthy sermons and large family. I loved that every Sunday there was a fellowship meal. I could tell from the beginning that this community really cared about each other. I also think I like throwing my brother’s name, like he was my automatic in.

At RUF I started to make friends too. A lot of them had grown up in PCA churches, Heritage mainly. There were a group of guys that at the time may have been my primary reason for getting involved in all the extra activities. You might remember some of them, Russ Edwards, Matt Howell, Blake Simonson, Charles Steger, Clint Rule, Jason Sheffield, and Josh Marcum. Then there were couples that kept coming around that I could tell were special because of their desire to be around college kids. You might recognize them too, The Brown’s, The Spears, and the Stewarts. Talk about an embracing community. I had never experienced anything like it before.

Calvin

As I was getting settled in my new community, I also started realize that there was something else that was unique in this church and in this ministry. People talked about things, a lot of things. People asked questions and gave answers. I was encouraged to talk and to listen. This new concept led to one of the most interesting conversations in my life. It was one that started by me asking this, “Uh…if you were going to explain to someone what reformed theology meant, what would you say?” This was my sneaky way of admitting I had no idea why there was an “R” in RUF. Thus began my struggle with Calvin.

The struggle with Calvin went on for a while. I had the typical Armenian questions. You all know what I am talking about. I’ll go ahead and skip over that. If you don’t know what I am talking about, please ask someone. Preferably not me, I’m pretty sure that’s Doug’s job. Or Jonathan Ramsay, he would be a good one to ask. So after that struggle was over, and I was appropriately taking on all the characteristics of a hyper-Calvinist, I started to get real comfortable in my freedom in Christ. This all happened my sophomore year.

Christ

My junior year led to a more important and monumental struggle. This struggle came as a surprise to me. I had been, up this point, comfortable with all that I had ever known about Christ and who He was. I had grown up knowing the stories of Him and how because I was a sinner I needed His life to save me from death. I the things you grow up knowing, if you are raised in a Christian home, I knew. I thought.

For the first time though, I started asking myself why I was doing all the things I was doing. Why was I going to church, why was I going to bible study, and why was I so involved in RUF? I didn’t know, or at least I wasn’t willing to say that it was because I loved Christ. This is when I began to doubt that I had ever loved Christ, or even knew who he was.

This struggle soon spun into a large chain reaction. Epistemology got thrown into the mix. Philosophy, moral law in non-Christians, what am I being saved from, is there really a God, if so how do I know this God is the right one.

I soon started calling myself agnostic. I continued going to church to see if anything would click. Maybe I am just missing a step in my logic. I used to believe this. At least I thought I did. Why can’t I claim this as my own now?

I remember the first time I refrained from taking communion with the church. It hurt so badly. I was sitting next to Julie Serven, who at this time had been meeting with me once a week to talk about my struggles. She noticed that I wasn’t participating in the sacrament and she began to morn for me. I mourned with her. I still can’t imagine what that must have felt like to her, but for me I felt like I had just slapped my mother in the face.

Now there may be many of you out there, that have gone threw struggles like these. I think that it is fairly normal, and helpful as well. While you are going through it you have a vast range of emotions going through your head. For me I wanted Jesus to be real, but I knew until I could have some kind of grasp on the true reality of his magnitude I would be going threw this season of doubt over and over again. I refused to give into the struggle just so the pain was over. I also, so badly wanted to be in this community again.

I truly think that the community illustrated by this church was God’s mean of grace to me during this time. I remember how beautiful it was to me. The thought of not being apart of it was truly unbearable to me. I think that I could not resist the beauty of the body, and the reality that it was a direct reflection of Christ and his relationship to us through the Church.

So while on a five our train-ride from Geneva, Switzerland, after almost two years of searching for answers in the world, I was struck by some poetic illustration on a Derek Webb CD. It was then that I knew I was in love with this man, that claimed to be the Son of God, who came to earth to save is people and show them grace.

That was a little over a year ago. It’s hard to believe now that I am saying this out loud, confessing my life’s struggles in front of all of you. I am amazed at where I have been. I know I would have never planned this for myself. If I had had my way, I would have continued going to church every Sunday, never thinking about anything, “ignorance is bliss”. Someone obviously had a different plan. And I rejoice in that.



Ephesians 1:3-6 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.