Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Spring is here, and love is in the air.
I'm feeling much better, thank you.
Thank you for all of your kind words of encouragement. I hope that I can serve you in the same way when you need me too.
Stay tuned for new posts on life and renewal.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
I know, I know.
I know that I only blog when I'm sad. But this is a good one I promise. A little more broken and a little more sanctified.
I'm really sick still. Physically I look and feel like crap. I have snot coming out of my eyes. This is a new low for me. I keep pretending I'm fine. I still get up at 5:30 and take a shower, assuming I'm going to make it to work. This is just a waste of time because 20 minutes later I've called in sick and landed back in bed. A bed that still doesn't have sheets on it, because I don't have the strength to put them back on, or to hang up any of my clean clothes. I'm a walking zombie. Not to mention that I am PMS-ing. All around, I'm sick. I can't hide it from anyone, not even myself. So I am stuck not doing the normal things that I do everyday.
Normally, like a said in yesterday's blog, I am going going going. Why is that? Well, I have had plenty of time to think about that over the past 48 hours. I'm going, going, going because I think it makes me a better person. Because I think I need the money, because I think that people will like me more, because I want to appear to have it all together, because I think the more good things I do equals the more treasures I will store up in heaven. My friend Laurie and I desribed it as something similar to Mario Bros. The more levels you get through and the more points you get, the more keys you win to bigger and better castles. I'm storing up extra lives.
So on some level, I believe all this to be true. However on another level, one that stays tightly folded in the other levels, I know and confess the truth. That I am not self-sufficient. That I am broken and sinfull and in constant need of grace. I currently suffer from a great deal of insecurity. Something that I don't really remember suffering from before. Where did this irrational set of high standards come from? Since when did I worry so much if a boy liked me? Since when did I think I wasn't smart enough? Since when did I think that I'm not going to be a good wife? Since when did I think that all of these things defined me as a person? Since I thought I could save myself.
How many dates to I have to go on to be okay? How many dates I go on doesn't define me. My worth is not found in the amount of time I spend in the kitchen practicing to be a good wife and mother. Have a degree in Human Relations isn't what makes me how I am. Loosing 5, 10, 15 pounds will not make me whole again. I can not earn my righteousness. I must depend on a better promise. I must not rely on my own merit. I am not worthy of praise. I'm am weak and sick, and I can not heal myself. I am loved. I am cherished. I have been made clean. I am being sactified through my pain and suffering. May my tears of sadness turn to tears of joy knowing how much I am loved.
Today, my father played his first round of golf since his surgery. Praise the Lord. Amen.
I'm really sick still. Physically I look and feel like crap. I have snot coming out of my eyes. This is a new low for me. I keep pretending I'm fine. I still get up at 5:30 and take a shower, assuming I'm going to make it to work. This is just a waste of time because 20 minutes later I've called in sick and landed back in bed. A bed that still doesn't have sheets on it, because I don't have the strength to put them back on, or to hang up any of my clean clothes. I'm a walking zombie. Not to mention that I am PMS-ing. All around, I'm sick. I can't hide it from anyone, not even myself. So I am stuck not doing the normal things that I do everyday.
Normally, like a said in yesterday's blog, I am going going going. Why is that? Well, I have had plenty of time to think about that over the past 48 hours. I'm going, going, going because I think it makes me a better person. Because I think I need the money, because I think that people will like me more, because I want to appear to have it all together, because I think the more good things I do equals the more treasures I will store up in heaven. My friend Laurie and I desribed it as something similar to Mario Bros. The more levels you get through and the more points you get, the more keys you win to bigger and better castles. I'm storing up extra lives.
So on some level, I believe all this to be true. However on another level, one that stays tightly folded in the other levels, I know and confess the truth. That I am not self-sufficient. That I am broken and sinfull and in constant need of grace. I currently suffer from a great deal of insecurity. Something that I don't really remember suffering from before. Where did this irrational set of high standards come from? Since when did I worry so much if a boy liked me? Since when did I think I wasn't smart enough? Since when did I think that I'm not going to be a good wife? Since when did I think that all of these things defined me as a person? Since I thought I could save myself.
How many dates to I have to go on to be okay? How many dates I go on doesn't define me. My worth is not found in the amount of time I spend in the kitchen practicing to be a good wife and mother. Have a degree in Human Relations isn't what makes me how I am. Loosing 5, 10, 15 pounds will not make me whole again. I can not earn my righteousness. I must depend on a better promise. I must not rely on my own merit. I am not worthy of praise. I'm am weak and sick, and I can not heal myself. I am loved. I am cherished. I have been made clean. I am being sactified through my pain and suffering. May my tears of sadness turn to tears of joy knowing how much I am loved.
Today, my father played his first round of golf since his surgery. Praise the Lord. Amen.
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