Peace and Grace to you.

Dear Hope,

Where do I begin? Where do we begin? In the future I don't plan on making my blog an open forum to talk about everything that has happened in the past month, but there are a few things that I would like to share with you and the people that care about me most. (Heaven knows a lot has been shared on here already.)

A month ago when I first read the comment you wrote on my November post, I was obviously taken by complete surprise. As my friends that were in the room will attest, I was in complete shock that after twenty-four years the truth of my conception was sitting in front of my face. Let me assure you, I really had suspected my whole life that that was the most likely scenario, and in no way am I shocked or hurt or confused by the details. (I will say, not many people know the story of their conception.)

The days following were a whirlwind of events and emotions. I was in Amarillo for a wedding and headed to Atlanta for two weeks for staff training for my new job. With in minutes I knew who my biological mother was, that I have cousins and an aunt that I know in Norman already and I have a half brother and a half sister. WOW. I had no idea what to do with that information. I didn't know if I was scared, sad, mad, happy, excited, thrilled, jealous, or what. I was really confused. I kept looking at the picture of Kaleigh over and over.

After talking to my parents and my siblings and friends for the two weeks in Atlanta I was still confused but feeling a little more calm about the whole situation. The next step was trying to figure out what to do next. I knew that I couldn't move on pretending that nothing had happened, but I wasn't sure that I was ready to meet this new group of people that happens to be biologically related to me. (Still looking at Kaleigh's picture everyday, and showing it to everyone.) All of this while I'm trying to raise the rest of my support and move to Lubbock before school starts. So, I finally called Lori last week and met for iced Chai Lattes. She told me about every aunt and uncle, every cousin, grandma and grandpa, and Kaleigh and Bo. She was very helpful in making me feel more comfortable with jumping into this entirely new experience.

Lori arranged for us to go to Perkins yesterday, where I met Sunny, who was in the room when I was born, Jan, Marvin and Frances. It went really well. When I saw Sunny for the first time she gave me a huge hug and through tears she told me how much I look like Kaleigh. I took with me a letter that your mother wrote my parents two days after I was born. Because of her condition she didn't know who I was but she recognized her own handwriting. It was really neat to sit with them and visit. Marvin got up from the table several times to take pictures of me. Sunny sat and talked with my mom and they shared stories from their experiences 24 years ago. Little Ethan crawled into my lap several times and just started giggling. He called me Blondell in pictures. Rex, Lori and my sister sat and talked for most of the lunch. Rex was my sister's math teacher in high school and they had a lot of track stories share. I got to see a lot of pictures of you when you were little, and pictures of Bo and Kaleigh when they were little. I posted some pictures so that they could see how much we looked like each other. Overall I think it was a healing time together.

For me it helped deal with all the lingering uneasy feelings. The anxiousness has somewhat subsided. The emails from Bo and Kaleigh have also been helpful, but I want to do what's right for them too. I'm going to let them set the pace on how they want to know me.

For me, I want you to know how much I appreciate you. I know what you did was scary and sad. I know that you probably mourned the loss of a child. You did a very brave thing and I couldn't be more grateful. I want you to think about all the things you gave me. You gave me a mother and a father. You gave me an older brother and older sister and 7 nieces and nephews. You gave me a college education and a Christian heritage. I had all of these things because you made a brave decision that you knew would probably hurt you. I think that is unbelievable. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am loved and blessed. I have never felt pain from your decision. I hope that gives you peace and rest.

I don't know what comes next for you and for me. We will just have to figure that out as we go, but I didn't want you to go on without knowing the way I felt. If you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask me. But, let's go ahead and move the conversation away from the blog.

I pray all is well with your soul, it is well with mine,

Della Mercer Sanger